Zero Clicks #41: Cigarettes and Cheeseburgers

Welcome back to Zero Clicks where we (usually) explore the interplay of AI, media and commerce. This piece is a bonus off-script column, a fever dream frenetically typed into my Notes App from McDonald’s. I hope you all enjoy

The Philosopher’s Guide to the Big Arch

I write to you from the postmodern architectural marvel that is the McDonald’s under the BQE in the shadow of the Gowanus Canal. The ambience resembles the kitchen table where my parents informed me they were getting a divorce when I was five years old. That’s the only time I ever saw my dad smoke a cigarette, which poetically someone is doing at the table next to me. 

To stare down the barrel of a Big Arch is to wrestle with all of your demons and existential fears. I invited hundreds of people in a company Slack to break buns with me last week and zero accepted. Do they just have too much dignity to indulge in 1,020 calories of corpo slop or would they rather fire up another module of compliance training than ask how my kids are? Have I created enough shareholder value today? 

My first reaction to looking into Big Arch’s soul is that it lacks the panache that only comes with being comfortable in your own skin. This burger is a labradoodle. It knows it wants to be something of import in this world but it's not quite sure what. The quarter pounder with cheese is an English Bulldog. It knows exactly who and what it wants to be and is comfortable with its place in society. 

Big Arch does not seem to be prepared with hate so much as a palpable sense of ennui that comes from living in a world where Americans spend more on OnlyFans than the New York Times and ChatGPT combined. It’s a McKinsey deck that got pumped into Claude Code and somehow a burger came out.

But regardless of its aesthetic limitations, the Big Arch has a transcendental aura. As I prepare to take a bite, any sense of time and space disappears. It is just me and Arch in an elaborate, phantasmagoric tango. Usually, you have to go to Atlantic City to so viscerally find God.  

At this point, I must note, I’m being deprived of the full sensory experience my $9.49 entitles me to by the waft of Newport tickling my nostrils. God, when did I get so entitled? Why should my pathetic asthmatic lungs take precedence over my fellow American's divine right to smoke a cigarette wherever he damn well pleases. We used to be a proper country. 

I nod and give him a crisp Brooklyn "how ya doin'" as he takes his last puff. He says he's living the dream. We're now spiritually sharing this Big Arch we call loneliness. But it's better than Big Arching alone. 

Finally, I take a bite. It's fine. There is meat and cheese and 3D printed crispy onions (that taste like clam strips?) and pickles and sauce. On some bites, the cheese beautifully melts between the layers ala a Juicy Lucy. On others, it dangles flaccidly without purpose. Overall, my take on Big Arch is that it is a burger. Nothing more, nothing less. I eat it in less than three minutes. 

If you really want a proper burger, go to Peter McManus Cafe on 18th and 7th. Have a Guinness. Have two. Rip 72 holes on the Golden Tee Machine. Light up a cigarette indoors and suffer the consequences. Tell your life story to the 90 year old barfly lost in three fingers of scotch. Ask him if you've created enough shareholder value. Enjoy the ride. 

Back in the McDonalds, the smoke has cleared. As I reflect on my final bite, I'm overcome with emotion as I realize the sum total of miracles that have gotten me to this moment. It took a spontaneous pre-dawn fog for George Washington to escape capture by the British at the Battle of Brooklyn. The American experiment should have died then and there. Instead, Washington's men endured the brutal winter at Valley Forge so I could live in a world that has both Big Arch and Dave & Buster's in it. 

PSA-- top shelf cocktails and 22 oz. beers are $5 at Dave and Buster's from 4-7PM Monday-Friday. Imagine how much an espresso martini would blow George Washington's mind. Now imagine if he knew he'd be the father of the nation that invented the PROTEINI

Big Arch was consummated for one simple reason. To remind us how much we are all blessed. Seals, dolphins and whales are currently returning to New York harbor in record numbers. Life finds a way. 

7.6 out of 10, would definitely eat again, ideally tomorrow if anyone will join me. We can talk about my dream to start a cicchetteria along the Gowanus Canal. 

Broadly speaking, I do think there's something to this schtick I stumbled into here...... you try the most deranged new product a major company puts out, ideally after a couple beers. Timebox yourself to an hour and write a thousand words stream of consciousness with only a 1-2 paragraph passing mention that constitutes an actual review of the product itself.

If anyone wants to join me on a future adventure in this series, email [email protected] and we’ll make it happen!